It’s no secret that the biggest secret is the reasoning behind the institution of lanyards. Some may say that they are for identification, and some may say for nothing at all, but the real reason is one you wouldn’t expect. These lanyards provide a power only we students can possess.
Yes, these lanyards are for fighting the forces of evil that have landed upon Fenwick. You may be sitting here, convulsing in suspense as you read this article, wondering what exactly you’re going to do against every evil entity that might want your comedically expensive french fries.
But remember, dear heroic Friar, you have the ultimate weapon— your school ID hanging from the lanyard around your neck.
Okay champ, here’s a scenario: The Joker walks in and sees you minding your own business. You see him out of your peripheral vision; you know his game plan, but he does not know yours. He makes his first attack, lunging towards you, and you unleash your greatest weapon— the sharp edges of a hastily made ID sleeve. “Thwip!” The Joker is stunned, completely shocked that such a ridiculously sharp object would be trusted around the neck of a teenager.
But he’s not finished yet, and neither are you. “Shwing!” Your ID photo catches the light. Every crunchy, pixelated part of the image puts The Joker in a daze. He cannot take the eye-burning pain of an awkward high school photo. The sheer thought of every Fenwick student having their photo stylized to look like what one can only assume is a parodied Doom portrait in all its 8-bit glory. It is too much for the infamous villain to handle all at once. He’s down, and you’ve saved the school.
While you may have defeated The Joker, your insatiable hunger for justice remains. However, as all Friars must have their lanyards, you and your peers can form a crime fighting team. What may your missions be? Putting a stop to the knucklehead caveman who shushes the entire cafeteria so he can make monkey noises, or banishing the kleptomaniac that stole the Madonna statue may be among them.
By the end of the week, you and your fellow “morally corrected” students will have ceased the ne’er-do-wells of Fenwick. (Which may include some of your friends…oh well).
Standing back, feeling just as accomplished as a teenager can be, you and your team remove your lanyards from your necks to admire them.
“Hey, maybe you’re not so bad,” we Friars will say, starting to appreciate all the great crime-fighting power deans have given us. “From now on, we can protect Fenwick from the the forces of evil, and stay out of harm’s way!
There’s a catch though. As you all rejoice in the blessing that is the stylish and effective Fenwick lanyard, an orange slip is handed to each of you. For removing your lanyard. you and your friends will find yourself humbly fighting crime in JUG.